First Bit of Daylight
by Phillippa of the Phoenix
Summary: Ginny is Ginny and Ginny would never pretend that she doesn't miss him every time she breathes. [companion of For Just This Moment]


First Bit of Daylight

She wakes up just before the sun does and the blankets are lined with invisible frost. She reaches out for someone who isn't there but she doesn't say a name, this time. It's the thinking that gets her, gets her everytime. As long as she can let herself go and just do, do, do, she can still be safe.

She was never really one for thinking anyway, and isn't that about perfect? It was never her job to think. The girl doesn't have to bother with that, because her hero will always come in the end, whatever she has to suffer through, her hero will always come in the end. That's how it always is, that's how the books go, the sweet lullaby, time-to-go-to-bed-Ginny books.

She clutches his pillow to her body, because it's the closest thing to a substitute she can find. Pillows can't tell her that she's living in the past and pushing everyone away and that's not really living anyway. Perhaps her brain is dead, and her heart is dead, and her soul is dead and perhaps she is only doing it for appearances, but she isn't about to give up. He wouldn't have, and he wouldn't have let her.

He's dead he's dead he's dead he's dead and it's much too late for regrets, now, we've all got to look forward and forget. It can't be any easier for them, it can't, so why is their grief better than hers when they hide it from the world? Ginny is Ginny and Ginny will never be happy again.

It isn't because Hermione has decided it was all her own fault and it isn't because Ron won't talk about Quidditch or chess and it isn't because she's afraid. It isn't. It's only that it's so cold and she'll never be warm, so the next best option is not to feel at all.

But the ice sinks in and she is frozen solid, even if she can't feel it. One day, the sun will shine too bright upon her face and the ice buried deep inside her will crack and she'll feel again and hurt again and cry again.

The first bit of daylight is starting to sparkle. She closes the blinds and doesn't go back to bed.

* * *

She wakes up just after her son does and the blankets are lined with invisible fire. She reaches out for someone who isn't there but she doesn't worry about him, this time. It's the worrying that gets her, gets her everytime. As long as she can let herself go and just love, love, love, she can still be safe. 

She was always one for worrying anyway, and isn't that about perfect? It was always her job to worry. The girl has nothing to bother with except that, because what if her hero never comes back, however beautiful life might become afterwards, what if her hero never comes back? That's how it always is, that's how life goes, alarm clock, wake-up-and-smell-the-coffee-Mum life.

She clutches his teddy bear to her body, because it's the closest thing to a substitute she can find. Teddy bears can't tell her that she's only a single mother and depending upon everyone she knows and what kind of a living is that? Perhaps her brain is sleeping, and her heart is sleeping, and her soul is sleeping and perhaps she is only doing it for him but she isn't about to give up. He wouldn't have, and he wouldn't have let her.

He knows he knows he knows he knows and it's much too late to not tell him, now, we've all got to look forward but remember. It can't be any harder for them, it can't, so why are their kids happier when it is hidden from them? Ginny is Ginny and Ginny would never lie to her son.

It isn't because Hermione has decided it was never meant to be and it isn't because Ron won't talk about Voldemort or the war and it isn't because she's afraid. It isn't. It's only that it's so hot and she'll never be cool, so the next best option is to wait for the seasons to change again.

But the fire sinks in and she is burning up, even if she doesn't mind it. One day, her son will smile so bright upon her face and the ice buried deep inside her will crack and she'll feel again and love again and laugh again.

The first bit of daylight is starting to sparkle. She snatches the blinds apart and doesn't go back to bed.

* * *

I blame Lisse. I was reading some of her fics over again (which you _**DEFINITELY** _should), and the idea for this one hit me right in the nose. Sorry about Harry being dead again - this is the companion to For Just This Moment (see the slight refrences? _See _them?). I like Ginny a lot, so I'm sorry that she kind of falls apart in this one -- but see, the daylight is like hope and she's letting hope in so it's almost not dead depressing . . . 

So I decided that even though Harry and Ginny split up, they would get together and marry before Ron and Hermione did (and before Harry died, obviously). So the son is Harry's, don't worry that she's been sleeping around or anything. This one is quite short on details so if you're confused about anything, sign in and drop a review and I'll tell you what I meant.

I'll try to post something a little more light-hearted next time. and oh yeah that disclaimer thing (grumbles) -- It's not mine, you geese. And sorry about the artistic lack of commas and other grammatical stuff.

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